Why am I anxious on vacation?

Hiking in Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore

You’d think vacation is all roses and butterflies.

That’s what it looks like when I see friends post their pictures on social media. And it makes sense - you are getting away from responsibility and work stress - but it can’t be true that it was all good, right? 

My recent trip to Michigan was definitely not all good. It just wasn’t and it has nothing to do with Michigan. I loved swimming in Lake Superior and Lake Michigan. I loved sleeping in a loft in a cabin without wifi or phone service. I loved hiking in gorgeous green forests. For a few days, I was experiencing a different kind of awareness. I could hear myself again.

View of the sunrise from our cabin

Before the trip, my nervous system was running on overdrive. From trying to grow a business to household chores to witnessing tragedy after tragedy on the news, I was attempting to handle a lot, as we all are. It’s a heavy time.

And when my nervous system is running on overdrive, I fall back into old habits of overwhelm and negativity. 

For example, we flew in a small plane from Maryland to Michigan and could very much feel the turbulence in a new and scary way. Because my nervous system was on such high alert, I literally thought we were about to die. Yeah, no fun.

We arrived in Traverse City and had another 4-hour drive to the Upper Peninsula ahead of us. I could feel myself trying too damn hard. I planned out where we would eat along the route (turned out to be a bust). Where would we eat dinner? Should we pick up groceries before or after checking in? Does the cabin even have a fridge?

Our cabin on the Upper Peninsula of Michigan

On top of all that planning, we were staying in a cabin with an outhouse and a bed up a steep ladder in the loft. I was worried about needing to pee at night. I obsessed over the timing of using the outhouse before climbing up the ladder for bed so that I’d get to sleep as fast as possible and wouldn’t have to use the outhouse again until morning. And as you’d expect, all that worry causes insomnia AND the urge to urinate….

Phew. Take a deep breath, girl. That’s all a lot. So. Much. Fear.

Wisdom for an Anxious Mind

On top of navigating intense feelings of fear and anxiety, there’s no self-compassion. No grace for my experience living as a human on this Earth. I WILL make mistakes and they are actually very necessary for growing. I know this, but, alas, sometimes I forget.

So, as I found a quieter headspace without the distraction of technology, I was able to hear my inner wise teacher and she said: 

“Lean back and let life happen”

I physically relaxed my posture back, I softened my shoulders, breathed deeply, and repeated to myself “Let life happen”.

A Lake Michigan sunset

There’s a need to trust that I have my back. I don’t have to plan everything to perfection to avoid discomfort. Life works itself out and instead of spending so much time leaning forward into the future, how about I enjoy every moment of right now? 

Wisdom for an Indecisive Mind

But life is about balance, so on the flip side of leaning forward too much, I also get stuck in indecision. I’m frozen in fear because, unfortunately, when I’m experiencing a swirling anxious mess of brain fog, I have no idea what I want. Every decision is an opportunity for me to fail. And when I’m so used to accommodating the people around me to ensure their happiness, I don’t have much practice exercising my needs. My wants. What do I even want? 

When I’m feeling stuck, one thing I try is driving. In my family, my husband usually drives and I navigate, but in moments when I need to prove to myself that I can take action, I drive. I’m in charge. I’m doing something.

And in another quiet moment in nature, I heard my inner wise teacher again: “Do what makes you feel alive and empowered.”

Yes. I can use this when I’m feeling stuck. When I’m in touch with myself, I can feel in my body when I’m making decisions out of fear and holding myself back from fully living. 

Swimming in Pete’s Lake in Wetmore, Michigan

For example, when I needed to decide whether to swim in Lake Superior, I was considering all of the things: Is it too cold? Do I even want to swim? Do I want to deal with changing into my swimsuit and then back out of it for the hike back? 

Crazy thought: I don’t always need to be comfortable. That’s not the goal of life, is it? And I don’t need to do everything perfectly. That’s definitely not what life is about. Maybe all I need to ask myself is, will this make me feel more alive? 

Even if I’ll be uncomfortable, is this something I want to experience?  Will I feel more empowered? If I say no because something is inconvenient, am I holding myself back? 

I say yes.

Living is about making mistakes and self-correcting. If I can retrain my brain all the way to my core being to understand this, I will be unstoppable. You will be unstoppable. We will be unstoppable.

Let’s do this, one breath at a time.