My Path to Motherhood, Part 4: The Career

At the end of part 3, Andrew and I had just bought our house! 

Around this same time, I was completing a yoga teacher training, applying to jobs in sustainability and program management, and learning what being a homeowner truly means. 

It was a whirlwind of a time. As we were settling into our new home, I became increasingly confused as to what kind of career I wanted. I thought I was on the right path in sustainability and social impact, but when I got laid off, my confidence and focus imploded. As I applied to jobs in this field, I felt more and more that I was doing what I ‘should’ and not what I actually ‘wanted’. These jobs didn’t feel right within my core and in interviews, I felt inauthentic.

At my yoga teacher training graduation in December 2020, I felt a powerful surge of creative energy appear seemingly out of thin air and realized that I wanted to start a business to help women befriend their inner critic with yoga and meditation. That night and over the next few days, I started mapping out my business and building a website. I was so proud of myself and it all felt so right. 

As I shared this newfound identity and clarity with Andrew, he was concerned. We had just purchased a house and needed a second income to support our expenses. My needs and our needs were not matching up. I continued to develop my business, while still applying for jobs in sustainability, but I felt split energetically and unfortunately, not supported by my partner in the way that I wanted or needed at the time.

When it came to starting a family, things felt really messy and confusing. I no longer felt ‘excited’ about having kids because my personal and professional life was off-kilter. Additionally, Andrew thought that I should secure a full-time job before we started trying to conceive. We both wanted more security before stepping into the adventure of parenting, but we wanted it in different ways.

At one point in early 2021, Andrew and I discussed our timeline: we were 32 years old and ultimately wanted to have more than one child. Even if life wasn’t completely settled, we thought that we should at least start trying to conceive. Around this same time, I reached out to our local Birth Center for a tour and a preconception check-up. That day I left the birth center, I felt really excited for the journey of pregnancy and birth and how empowering that experience would be. My perspective shifted and I yearned for the challenge ahead.

So, in May 2021, we started trying to conceive. Month after month, I tracked my cycle and we gave it a go at the ‘right’ times. Even though I knew conceiving could take months, each month we found out we weren’t pregnant, I felt more disappointed. The struggle of perfectionism was real and I wondered what we were doing wrong.

Our cabin in Michigan.

That year, we traveled to the beach to spend time with family, I traveled to Los Angeles to visit with friends, and we went on a much-needed vacation as a couple to Michigan. We stayed in a cabin with no wifi or internet service and were able to reconnect without all of the distractions of life. We both loved this part of the vacation so much. 

When we got back from Michigan, in early September 2021, we were overjoyed and terrified to discover that we were pregnant!